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The perfect sound

‘How does it sound?’

‘I don’t know, Trish.’

‘I’m telling you, the plan is perfect. They will never suspect it.’

Tim wasn’t convinced. She always had crazy ideas and at least once a month came up with a scheme to make them rich overnight. Just to safe their marriage, he went along with them from time to time. Only last year they had created an on-line psychic service that was shot down after five percent of their predictions came true. The ‘sure’ bet at the races had cost them six months of savings. At Christmas they had burnt down their house in an attempt to claim insurance. That last failure cooled Trish down for a couple of months. She got a job at ‘fish and chips’ and claimed a disability benefit. It wasn’t even Easter when she grew restless. Slipping money from the till and shoplifting chocolate eggs just wasn’t enough. One Tuesday morning while stuffing her jacket with Easter bunnies, the ultimate idea came to her. She spent the entire afternoon scheming and plotting until the sweets melted and stained her shirt. All she had to do was to convince her partner in life and crime.

‘This sounds insane.’

‘But Tim. This is exactly why it will work.’ She gave him the look and he new that it’s either this or something much worse. He was pretty sure that she wouldn’t give him a divorce and instead she would try to cash a large life insurance after some mysterious “accident” that would happen to him.

‘How did you even come up with it?’

‘I’m a genius,’ she smiled as she knew that he was going to say yes. ‘You’ll see. We’ll go in and out.’

‘It’s a robbery, darling.’

‘Yes, Tim. I know that. We deserve to be finally rich. After all the years of hard work. Anyway they won’t miss that money.’

‘But explain it to me again. Why are we going to steal from a zoo?’

‘Because no one expects it. I love you, but you’re a bit slow, aren’t you?’ Trish kissed her husband, took out paper and crayon and drew a plan of the zoo.

‘That’s a lovely giraffe, honey.’

‘Tim, pay attention. They keep the money in the main office here,’ she pointed a big, pink cross in the middle.’ There are security cameras here and here, and here, oh, and here.’

Tim got pale, but his wife explained that they will take a “perfect, undetectable, alternative” route. She drew a red line through the animal cages. Sweat appeared on Tims forehead and he loosened his tie.

‘Don’t worry. Look what I stole from my nephew,’ Trish reached underneath her dress and produced a book for small children. She pressed one of the button and the kitchen was filled with a lion’s roar.

‘We’ll make animal sounds and nobody will notice us.’

#

On Sunday after dark they jumped the zoo’s fence wearing a perfect disguise as normal visitors – sandals, shorts and T-shirts: ‘I’m with stupid’ for Trish and ‘My wife rocks’ for Tim. Going through the first cage was easy; the elephant was sleeping. Thanks to Tim’s persuasion they didn’t went to the lion’s den. Instead they entered the cage with birds.

‘Hello, hello, hello’ said a parrot. In response, Trish pressed a button with a cock-a-doodle-doo.

‘Stupid birds,’ said a security guard passing by, but the O’Sullivans were already in the next parcel. The looked back to check the guards movements when they bumped into something furry. They turned around and faced a huge gorilla.

‘Don’t make a sound,’ Tim whispered, but it was too late. Trish pressed a monkey button. The gorilla grabbed her and lifted above its head.

‘I think it’s a mating call,’ Tim explained but it wasn’t very reassuring and his wife didn’t hear that anyway. She was now hanging head down, screaming from the top of her lungs. The entire life was about to flash in front of her eyes, when the concerned husband got an idea of his own. He picked up the little nephew’s book and punched a picture of a lion. The ape dropped its would-be mate. The couple run to the safety and open arms of the security guard.

#

After doing a community service, the O’Sullivans stayed working at the same zoo. Tim was doing their accounts and Trish was teaching drawing to apes. They did it for pleasure as their story and criminal record was bought by Hollywood making them filthy rich.

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