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Dick Pic(k)

I love dick pics. I hope you can sense sarcasm in this sentence, but however disgusting they may be, there are number of advantages of receiving them. I have a little collection to remind me never to try online dating again, and that is just one of the valuable life lessons.

Selection tool

Looking for a right partner is mostly mastering the art of rejection. With so many options available, a girl needs to make decisions fast (we’re not getting any younger, you know). Therefore it is great to get a dick pic – it equals immediate disqualification. Show me a penis, I show a red card. Nice and simple.

At a lunch break I told my friends about this amazing, charming, guy I had been chatting with.
‘And then he sent me the picture.’ I made a sad face and the girls nodded, except for one lady who still had the husband from before the Internet era.
‘That’s so shallow, shouldn’t judge a man by his looks.’
We had to explain to her that it was not a photo of his face, and it was quite a shock to her.
‘That’s horrible. I can understand a woman, but a man? It looks like a plucked turkey.’

Ultimately it is a mystery why men think we could actually enjoy the view, yet I have few theories myself.

  1. They don’t know it’s not a turn on, that women unlike men need more than visual stimuli. Hence, if they don’t know those basics, I’m not playing.
  2. They genuinely think it’s the best thing they have to offer. If that is the case, then I’m sorry to disappoint, but penises are not irreplaceable.
  3. They take pride in this body part in particular. If they think that having an erection is an accomplishment, they should seek medical advise.

In my opinion, sending those photos makes boys look ignorant and insecure, so no matter the size, they’re out. There is a fine line between having a dick and being one.

Story behind

I have to admit though that I find those pictures a bit amusing – something to show my friends and have a laugh (yes, there is no privacy to the private parts once posted online). There is also more to them that the sender intended to show. The background says a lot about the man attached. My personal favourite had a bookshelf with a stack of books next to it – all together very abundant. The average Joe would have a messy bedroom, big TV, and socks still on.
The worst one ever was a guy who took a picture in a car under a steering wheel. I won’t even comment on road safety. The biggest mistake he made was holding his penis in his left hand. Yep, you guessed it. He wore a wedding ring.
A ginger banker got extra points in my ranking for being creative and … hmm I’m trying to find a right word here and somehow big-headed or cocky seems inappropriate. Not only he didn’t hide his face but used mirror to really show off. He could make a career in digital marketing. Yet what some men fail to realise is that there is always someone younger, bigger, or in nicer shade. Therefore it would be wise to offer more than that, maybe something intangible too.

Sad reality

The whole experience made me a bit more cynical. What if a man doesn’t send a dick pick? I now assume that there must be something wrong with him as shown in the chart below.

In my defence I can tell you about a guy who had a picture of Michelangelo’s David on his profile. I thought it was lovely and I had finally found someone talk to about art history. Believe it, or not, but he wasn’t interested in Renaissance sculpture at all, he just wanted to show a comparable sample of small genitals.

Appeal

Dear Men,
Please remember that you are a human being attached to your dick and after all it’s not the tool but the craftsman that matters. Technology is awesome, but some things should be left as nature intended – in your jeans. At least until the time when they are really, really needed.
Love you all,
A.

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